To the people who matter to me

Friday, 18 December 2015
This is going to be a long one so hold on tight.

I'm a private person, we are a private couple. I don't think that is much of a secret. With his full support I have spent the last 3 years diving into an exploration of gender and where I might fit on the spectrum. It's been a trip, a beautiful, painful, life changing trip that I've kept within our bubble.

To steal some words because he says it better than I can voice. Ellen Paige said when she came out "I am tired of lying by omission" and that's how I feel. There has been a huge part of myself that I've kept off to the side for a long time. We have kept people at arms length while we've been deciding where to go with this.
This year in particular has been a constant state of second guessing and watching my words, my social media use, my conversations, so no one caught on.

So, I'm done. I just want to be me, all of the time, without having to think about everything.

I am transgender.

Well... that's out there... Breathe... Keep reading, I'll answer questions and provide resources near the bottom.

I've tried dealing with this in a bunch of different ways, tried to keep it shoved away in a little box to revisit. Well, never. This has been the complete opposite of how I have dealt with my pansexuality, I am so comfortable with my sexuality and so open with everyone. It's gotten to the point where it is to big for me to ignore. I remember not being able to imagine living past 20, no plans to end my life but there wasn't a future I could picture where I was an adult. If you know me well you know there was a long history of self harm and abusing my body in a variety of ways. I have been so disconnected that the concept of caring for it made no sense. Why care for something that isn't yours?

Truth, I live in a comfortable bubble where I have support. My husband, a select few close friends, and all of my internet friends have been referring to me as he for a while. Some as long as 2 years, others a few months. The thought of meals, trips, gatherings, conversations, etc outside of that bubble has become very uncomfortable. I avoid them and I hate keeping you on the outside.

It's not all doom and pain and sadness though, the first time I was able to look myself in the eye and admit it out loud an enormous weight lifted off of me. I felt like I could breathe for the first time and I had a direction to take.

What is changing?

With me, not much. I'm not changing as a person, you're not losing me.
I'm taking the steps I need to to be an authentic complete person. This transition has been a slow process and I like it that way. The more people I tell the better it gets.

What did I (you) do wrong to cause this?

Nothing, this isn't a disease, I'm not mentally broken and you did nothing to "cause" it I'm just me.

Why did you wait so long?

It's a big scary world and there is almost no education on other genders beyond the negative. I didn't have the language to express what hurt, what has hurt all along. I made some friends and found support that gave me a voice.

Are you going to have "the surgery"?

Which one? There are a number of surgeries available, we haven't settled on any and won't make any choices until the time is right.  I really don't feel like discussing it with everyone, if I want to share I will when the time is right.

Your marriage?

My marriage is fine, great, stronger than ever. We plan on renewing it in the future to align with the changes in our relationship. He's my best friend, my strongest ally, and the love of my life. He helped me pick a first name though we are open to input on middle names. Everything about this has been we from the beginning because I am never alone.

Is Brad gay?

That's not really up to me to decide, his sexuality is his own to discover and own. He's my Brad and that's all I've ever cared about.

I used to be so scared of people knowing this about me but I have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm me, I'm great, there's nothing to be ashamed of about that. If anyone is going to put me down about it, I don't care. I am far too old and have far better things to do than let someone bring me down about this thing that brings me so much joy. The support systems I have now that I've come out to friends means the world to me.

If you are someone who thinks I should have told you one on one, I'm sorry. Believe it or not this is the scariest thing I have ever done. Please allow me the space to be brave in the only way I can. I am such a private person that I wish I didn't have to share it with anyone. Let's face it... I can't exactly hide it forever and I'd rather this than you finding out by accident.

All of that and still no name... no pronouns...

Let me reintroduce myself. Hi, I'm Ciarán. That's the Irish spelling of Keiran, it meant a lot to me to have another Irish name. I go by He/Him/His pronouns. Please do not refer to me as Caitlin or She/Her/Hers anymore. Doing so is disrespectful and damaging.

I will be patient with you, you will slip up, I will slip up. It happens, I trust that you're trying.

As for telling people, I would like to handle that on a case by case basis. Coming out is my job and for my safety unless you are absolutely sure of the person you are telling, please don't.

As someone brilliantly said, I'm not coming out, I'm letting you in.


Resources, not by any means complete but these are a good start.

Local :

Youtube :

Pretty comprehensive pdf from another man :

Other online :

 Interesting side note, that á is done on a computer by holding Alt and typing 0225 on the number pad.
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